FIND THE PEOPLE WHO FAN YOUR FLAMES: A Different Way to Think About College Visits
There was a moment on Friday during one of Robin Arzón’s Peloton HIIT runs that landed with me — not because I slowed down (you don’t slow down with Robin, iykyk), but because it cut through the noise of the workout and stuck. Somewhere between the push and the all-out, she reminded us to:
“Surround yourself with people who fan your flames.”
Not people who shrink your spark.
Not people who make you feel like you need to dim down to fit in.
People who expand you. Challenge you. Root for your growth.
People who make you feel more you.
And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since — especially as my juniors step into college-visit season. Because here’s the truth: The students you’ll share classrooms, dining halls, and 1:00 a.m. conversations with will shape you just as much (maybe more!) as any curriculum ever will. We talk a lot about campus size, majors, dorms, food, walkability, and the vibe (all important!). But we don’t talk nearly enough about the people: the ones you’ll sit next to, build with, learn from, and become alongside.
Are you choosing a school… or choosing a community?
Many students, consciously or not, choose the path of least resistance.
A school where they already look like they fit.
A school where their current friends are applying.
A school where they won’t stand out too much.
I see this most clearly in students who are wildly capable, but are afraid of outgrowing the group they’re in. Maybe it’s teammates, or a friend circle that’s comfortable, or a hometown culture built on being “just enough, but not too much.”
And so they mute their ambition. They make themselves smaller. They pick colleges based on who they are now — not who they could become.
If Robin were running beside them, she’d say: “Stop dimming your light to make others comfortable. Find the people who fan your flames.”
A new lens for college visits:
When you step onto a campus, ask yourself:
🔥 Do the students here make me want to be better?
Not perfect. Not someone else. Just better — stronger, more curious, more awake to my own potential.
🔥 Do I feel like I can grow here without apologizing for it?
Or would I feel pressure to downplay my intelligence, ambition, creativity, identity, or drive?
🔥 Would the people here challenge me in a supportive way?
Growth should feel stretching, not suffocating.
🔥 Do I feel inspired? Energized? Expanded?
Or do I find myself shrinking to “fit”?
🔥 Could this place make me braver?
Because college should not only educate you — it should elevate you.
What flames look like (and what they don’t)
People who fan your flames…
Celebrate your big ideas
Ask questions because they’re curious, not competitive
Want good things for you
Invite you into spaces where you can stretch
Make you feel more like your favorite version of yourself
People who dim your flames…
Need you smaller to feel okay
Encourage you to “fit in” rather than stand out
Mock your goals or undercut your wins
Don’t dream as big — and don’t want you to, either
Make you second-guess your spark
College is a four-year immersion in the energy of the people around you. You will rise or settle based on the company you keep.
So yes — tour the dorms. Yes — check out the student center. Yes — ask about psychology, neuroscience, entrepreneurship, or whatever lights you up.
But also ask:
Do the people here fan my flames?
If the answer is yes, that’s a school worth your time.
If the answer is no, keep looking — even if everyone you know swears “it’s where everyone goes.”
Your future deserves to be built in the company of people who expand you.
Your spark deserves oxygen.
Your ambition deserves space.
And you? You deserve to choose a college that makes you more — not less.
